From Adult Goals to Child Success: The Power of Responsible Patience

Transcription: From Adult Goals to Child Success: The Power of Responsive Patience

Understanding Patience in Children

I want to talk a little bit about patience and what that really means when we’re working with children, from a parent’s point of view and from a teacher’s point of view.

I think sometimes, as adults, it can be in short supply for us because we are intentional and purpose-driven and goal-driven, and we’ve got things to do. We’ve got to get in the car and get to the shops, we’ve got to get our kids to bed so we can get on with the work that we need to get done. At school, we need to get them into class so we can get on with the maths lesson.

All of that very squarely sits in the goal scope of the adult. The adult wants the child in the class so we can get on with maths. The adult wants the kids to sit still so we can do the homework. The adult wants the child in the car so we can get to school. All of this is very adult-driven and purpose-driven.

Dropping the Goal in the Moment

I think one of the biggest gifts we can give a child who is struggling is to drop the goal and the purpose for a little bit, and just breathe into the moment and see what we see.

The Power of Observation Without Judgement

Observation skills without judgment are critical in my business.

When we are working with children on the autism spectrum, with anxiety, with ADHD, presenting as non-verbal, if we are trying to work with the child on our timeline and with our goals and our daily demands that we think are important, we’re going to create more anxiety, more shutdown, more dysregulation.

So what we need to do is let go of the in-the-moment desire to get something done, like getting them into the class, getting the book open, getting them doing maths.

That might work for a neurotypical or higher-functioning child who can follow those guidelines, get to class, sit at their desk, open their book, and get on with their maths. But if they are unable to do it, the pressure to do it shuts them down even more.

The same applies to a child on the spectrum who is non-speaking. The higher the demand we place on the child in the moment, the more we shut them down.

Now, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have goals or demands, but we should be responsive to how they respond to us, and then we need to respond to that.

What is our ultimate goal, as well as what is our goal in the moment?

If our ultimate goal with a child on the autism spectrum who is non-speaking is to give them a communication system, preferably a verbal communication system, then we need to know that’s an ultimate goal, not necessarily a goal for today.

We could drive it today, but not to the point of breaking them down and losing the long-term goal that we have.

Building Trust Through Responsiveness

Being responsive to children is how we bring them into our circle of trust, our circle of learning, and give them an opportunity to find those skills.

Understanding Praxis

Something that changed my understanding of this forever is when I had a better understanding of praxis.

This is our body’s ability to take an idea and turn it into motor movement or any kind of movement.

If you wanted to go swim in your swimming pool, you would have the idea, “I’m hot, I need to go swim.” You would change into your costume, get a towel, go outside, and get in the pool. That’s praxis in action.

The same thing applies to mathematics. You have the idea of, “I’m going to go into class and do maths.” That idea turns into walking into class, getting to your desk, opening your book, sitting down, and doing the maths. That is praxis.

Now, what happens if your praxis is not in place? What happens if you have dyspraxia? You can’t turn your thoughts into something that makes sense for you to take action. Your body just doesn’t respond.

The same applies to oral praxis and speaking. You have the idea, you have the vocabulary in your head, and you want to communicate it, but your brain cannot move your mouth to form the words. You can’t move your throat, your tongue, or your lips. Speaking is actually a very complicated process.

If you try to learn to whistle and you’ve never whistled before, it’s difficult to figure out where to put your tongue and how to blow the air. That’s a useful example to help understand why non-speaking children may struggle to speak.

Supporting Thought to Action

The work we’re doing at Omatas is to develop ideation into action. That’s the praxis component, to ignite thoughts from the child’s brain into movement.

There is a lot of observation involved. We look at their gaze, where their shoulders are turned, where they are leaning. We often have to make informed guesses. Are they hot? Thirsty? Hungry? Do they need the toilet?

Then we start asking questions such as, “Are you hot? Can I help you take your jersey off?” If they walk away, that might be a no.

“Do you need the bathroom? Can I come with you? Let’s go.”

We begin to offer subtle cues to initiate movement. As movement begins, the body responds to thoughts, and the child can continue the action.

The more we do this, the more we help their body respond to their thoughts, and the more praxis develops.

The same applies to speech. The more we encourage movement of the mouth and response, the more the connection between thought and language develops.

Of course, it’s more complex than that. We also need to consider receptive language, expressive language, vocabulary, engagement, and intention.

But the starting point is always where the child is, not where you are or where your goals are.

Meeting the Child Where They Are

A child is not where you are, nor where your goals are. You have to start where they are.

I always use this analogy.

If you want a child to climb to the top of a hill, standing at the top and shouting at them while they are at the bottom does not help if they cannot figure out how to get there.

You need to go back down to the bottom and say, “I’m here with you.”

If the child has a wheelbarrow to push up the hill, it doesn’t help for you to take the wheelbarrow and push it to the top while they are still at the bottom. The journey is the child figuring out how to climb the hill, and your role is to help them figure it out, not to do it for them.

Applying This to All Children

If we shift this to more neurotypical children who are verbal and in mainstream schools, the same principle applies.

The greatest gift we can give a child is not doing things for them, but helping them figure out how to do it for themselves.

Whether it’s a difficult maths problem, a hard text to read, a challenging move in a hockey match, or learning a new position in netball or soccer field, we need to understand what they are experiencing and move with them from that point.

We build their confidence and their skills by guiding them, not by doing it for them.

If you’ve never played the violin before, you start at the beginning. Where do your hands go? How do you hold it? You cannot start with a complex piece. You must allow time to process.

The same applies to children on the spectrum who are non-speaking. Give them multiple opportunities to hear language, to experience communication, and the space to respond.

Recognising All Forms of Communication

Communication is not only verbal.

Children communicate through body language, behaviour, expression, sounds, eye contact, or lack of eye contact. Communication is happening all the time.

If we only recognise verbal communication, then we are not speaking their language. And if we cannot speak their language, how can we expect them to speak ours?

A Gentle, Patient Approach

This journey is gentle. It takes time. It requires multiple communication partners who are kind, generous, and encouraging.

Stress and anxiety shut communication down, and we do not want that. We want to help it grow.

Our impatience and our drive towards our own timelines and goals can get in the way.

If we can slow down, meet the child where they are, encourage them, build their confidence, and remain highly observant, we can help almost any child take the next step.

Even difficult behaviour is strong communication. If we can interpret it with grace and kindness, we can make significant progress.

Final Thoughts

This may not apply to everyone, because not all of you have children on the spectrum who are non-verbal.

But you will encounter children like this.

Can you be gracious and kind, or do you become high-demand and apply pressure?

It is a challenging space for adults because we are so goal-driven, but it is incredibly necessary.