Saying no to your child can feel challenging, but it’s an essential skill for setting boundaries and fostering understanding. In this episode, Lauren discusses a three-step formula for saying no effectively while maintaining connection and respect. Learn how to acknowledge your child’s request, firmly say no, and offer alternatives to help them feel heard and valued. This method isn’t just for parenting—it works in adult relationships too! Discover how to use this straightforward approach to create a calm, constructive dynamic in your home.
TRANSCRIPTION
How to Say No to Your Kids
How to Say No to Your Kids
I’m going to talk about how to say no to your kids.
There’s a lot to say, but I’m going to focus on a very particular formula that was taught to me and works very, very well. Works well for me as an adult, with other adults, and also works well for me as a parent and a teacher.
The Three-Step Formula
And there are three steps to it. You don’t have to do all three. You only need the second one, which is to say no. But if that doesn’t work, two steps help. The formula is this. The first thing you do is restate what the person has asked you. So, if your kid asks you for ice cream, you can say, “Ah, you’re asking me for some ice cream.”
The second step is then to say no. And it can be as simple as saying no, or you can extend it to, “No, I don’t think so.”
Or, “No, we don’t have time right now.” Whatever the no feels like in the moment for you. The third step is then to provide an alternative option or to delay it. So you could say something like, “I think we could have ice cream on Saturday, perhaps.” Or, “I know there’s going to be ice cream at the birthday party next month.” So it’s a simple three-step process.
Why Step One Matters
The first step in restating what they’ve said is to help the other person hear that you’ve listened to them, to confirm that you’ve understood them. Because if you just say no, one of the comebacks is, “I’ll put just a little bit of ice cream.” No. It’s only one cone.
No, but I won’t make a mess. So they start fighting the original statement. So if they say to you, “Mom, I want some ice cream,” you go, “Ah, I see that you want some ice cream now.” So they know that you’ve heard them clearly. There’s no bouncing around that. The second one, of course, is your onset. It’s no. And then the third thing is to give the child or the person you’re speaking to another option.
The Purpose of Step Three
A sense that you’ve heard them, that you’re not just casting it out with no other potential for having ice cream in the future. You are giving them a place to go with their comment.
An Example with Homework
I’ve heard that you don’t want to do your homework right now. No. You need to get it done now because in half an hour, we need to go to your guitar lesson.
Summary of the Formula
And that is a simple formula. It’s restating what they want, setting your boundary of ‘no,’ and then giving them a reason.
However, in a nutshell, numbers one and three are not necessary. Only two is necessary. But if they keep on at you, use the formula of one, two, three.
