By Lauren Edmunds, Founder of Omatas
Listen to the podcast episode: https://omatas.co.za/connecting-with-your-kids/
As parents and educators, one of the most powerful things we can do for our children is help them feel safe. That safety doesn’t come only from protection. It comes from connection. The responsibility for connection lies with the adult. Still, children can also be empowered to build that sense of safety for themselves.
At Omatas, the intervention school I founded for children with learning differences, we approach each child with this core belief: healing, learning, and thriving begin with connection. And it starts at home.
Start with Connection, Not Conversation
Before we talk to our children, we must first connect with them. That means observing them, playing with them, sitting beside them while they draw or build with LEGO, and showing genuine interest in what sparks their enthusiasm.
Children don’t want to sit down and have coffee with you to unpack their feelings—they want you to play, read, laugh, and listen. When you connect first, conversation flows more naturally. And that connection builds trust and safety.
Regulate Yourself First
Before we discuss what to say, it’s crucial to remember that how you respond matters more than what you say.
If your child tells you something upsetting, maybe someone was unkind at school; how you react will shape whether they feel safe enough to come to you again. Resist the urge to “storm in” and fix everything. That’s not absolute safety. That’s chaos disguised as action.
Children grow stronger when we regulate ourselves. When we model calm, we create space for them to express themselves fully.
The Three-Step Process to Support Emotional Resilience
Over the years, I’ve used a simple, practical three-step approach with my children and the children I support at Omatas:
- Reflect and Acknowledge:
Repeat what they’ve said using their words. If your child says, “I was scared,” you should use “scared” too. Let them feel heard and seen. - Empathise Deeply:
Validate their emotions. “That sounds so tough.” “I can see why that made you…[restate the words they used for their feelings].” Children need to know their feelings are valid before they can process them. - Problem Solve Together:
Only after reflection and empathy can we move toward solutions. Brainstorm together, even silly, unrealistic ones. Creativity gives them agency.
For example, one of my daughters once said she wanted to squash her friend with a hammer! Instead of shutting that down, I said, “You could do that…” and we laughed through the absurdity of it. By allowing her to say the outrageous thing, we opened up a path to talk through what real options were available.
Teaching Emotional Regulation Through Playful Problem Solving
That silly conversation wasn’t pointless. It was practice. Practice walking back angry thoughts, brainstorming alternatives, and practising self-regulation.
When you create space for kids to think about anything, even the wild or inappropriate, and then teach them how to walk back those ideas, you’re giving them lifelong tools. You’re showing them how to handle big feelings without shame.
The goal isn’t to stop uncomfortable emotions. It’s to teach children how to navigate them.
From One Conversation to a Lifetime of Tools
Years ago, one of my daughters navigated a difficult situation at school. We brainstormed ten possible responses: two were silly, three were practical, and five were a stretch. She chose one to try. It didn’t work. Instead of feeling defeated, she told me about it, and we revisited the list. She chose another. That one worked.
The win? She chose. She reflected. She grew. And I stayed regulated throughout the process.
The Real Goal: Building a Lifelong Toolbox
As parents, we’re not trying to raise perfect children. We’re helping them build a toolbox they’ll carry forever. One filled with empathy, creativity, problem-solving, and resilience.
Let’s not forget: many unhealthy coping mechanisms, like avoidance, anxiety, or disordered eating, can also become “tools” and can dominate their life if left unexamined. The aim isn’t to erase the skills they have learned so far, but to replace them with better ones.
Our job is to fill our children’s toolboxes with so many valuable and empowering tools that the less helpful ones fade into the background.
If you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver, I encourage you to start small: Play today. Laugh today. Reflect feelings without fixing them. And above all, show up as a safe space for your child’s big feelings and experiences.
Safety is not just about where we are; it’s about who we’re with and how we feel in their presence.
